I have come to love the time between Christmas and the new year almost as much as I love Christmas itself.
It has become a week of quiet...relative to our household of 3 rambunctious boys. They are content and playing with their new Christmas treasures and I have time to journal, to browse through seed catalogs, plan, refocus. And this year I savored every moment.
This year, I've decided that my one word will be
Yes, in the Biblical sense of truth. "the way, the truth, the life". But also I want to focus on the truth in my present.
And here are three truths about me:
I am a good wife. A good wife who is trying to hold on to her marriage with both hands, making sure she is doing everything she can to make it work. The truth is, I might not be able to do enough to make that happen. Despite my best efforts, it still may fail. The truth is, for a long time I have been carrying more than my share of the load. The truth is, I can only do my part.
My husband is battling mental illness. Truth is, he has been for awhile. I don't know if it is something that has always been there and I was just too busy being a good military wife to really see it. Truth is, it may go back to when he was a kid. Most likey. Truth is, it could have something to do with the stress of being at war for the last 10 years. I don't know. But truth is, its there, it is real, its scary and we have to deal with it. Truth is, there are times I want to run away.
I am a good mother. I am a mother who has good kids. The truth is I can be proud of them. They are respectful and smart and funny. They are active and loving and generous. The truth is they are struggling...one of them in particular. He is angry and I have excused his anger for a long time. The truth is, its time to call a spade a spade and get him the help he needs regarding his learning disability and his emotions.
I am worth it, every bit of it. The truth is I deserve to take time to exercise. The truth is, I am worth putting good food into my body. I am worth flowers and dinners and dancing. Truth is, I am good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Truth is, I deserve to be known. To be cared for. To be loved deeply. Truth is, so are you.
Truth is, I love Jesus. Unfortunately, I tend to want to make everyone feel comfortable. To feel valued. I shy away from confrontation. But truth is, I am scared. I'm scared that you will think I am one of those crazy Christians who don't love gay people, or that I am one of "those" who think that global warming isn't real, that I am pushy with my faith or won't be accepting yours. That I am one of "them" who give "us" a bad name. Truth is, I am not. Truth is, my faith is what is keeping me afloat most days. And if I am truly following "the way,the truth, the lifet" my ONLY job is to love.
Truth is, I am not alone.
You would think that a woman who is 38 years old would have learned all of these lessons by now. But the truth is I feel like in many ways, my journey is just now beginning.
Here's to new beginnings. And here's to living in the TRUTH.
P.S. One last truth, I can't find my memory card this morning, so your getting instagram pics from my phone. That's the truth. :-)